Lately I’ve been feeling not so much myself. Every day is different but I’ve noticed a trend in the past couple of weeks. I’ll have a few good or normal days but then have a day or a string of a few hours where I just feel meh. My thoughts are negative, I’m easily overwhelmed, I’m discouraged, feeling distant from God, and have that minor gloomy hopelessness feeling. I think it’s still too mild to be postpartum depression, or at least to do anything drastic about it.
I have been a woman long enough to have a sense of what these hormone dips feel like and I think that is what is behind all the emotional ups and downs for me recently. It took me awhile to put it together but I am definitely in the “lose all your hair” period of time after pregnancy. It looks like I throw away a small dog after every time I shower. That has been going on for about 3 weeks now I suppose. I hope its almost over because I don’t have any more hair to lose! If this goes on much longer I will be bald by Christmas! Anyways that’s how I know there are definitely hormone changes going on in my body. And if that didn’t clue me in there is a 3 1/2 month old hanging around the house that recently came out of my tummy.
Today I came home from being at South Bay in meetings (great meetings) all morning, and I had both girls asleep for awhile. I spent some time just emailing and trying to function but I felt like I might just want to cry. So I heard my mom’s voice in my head “honey, sometimes you just need to cry” and I knew from my counseling experience that if you allow yourself to just let go and physically cry sometimes, it changes things in your body and reduces anxiety and helps you sort through things. I almost always feel better after I get it out. So I did.
Today, I thought about calling my mom or sister or a friend but then I just started talking to God instead. I just let myself cry and tried to express out loud all the thoughts that had been swirling in my head all day. I didn’t feel like I could make much sense really and I knew my perspective wasn’t great but I just needed to do it. So I did. And after a few minutes of honest prayers and tears I decided to turn on some music that I knew would speak truth to me.
I needed that. Its amazing how listening to music that is filled with God’s word can break me out of a rut. I may feel back in the rut tomorrow, but I know I just have to choose to monitor the way I’m thinking and remember to think true things. I really have to prioritize spending time reading the Bible too because I think that is also a reason my thoughts are running amuck. Did I say that right? Running amuck? Sounds right to me.
I think sometimes people have this image of me that I’ve always got things under control, or I always know what to do or what’s the best thing because I’m a counselor type person. But I feel like that about everyone else! Sometimes you see the instagram-ed version of someone and even if you know them well you start to think they couldn’t relate to your low points because everything in their life is going so beautifully. That is actually why I am writing this blog tonight. I am on a mission with my blog lately to portray myself as realistically and humanly as I possibly can. Because I believe that is what unlocks true friendship and a sense of normalcy in my readers. At least the hormonal ones!
There is this blogger (and social media in general) temptation to show your best side, and make yourself look appealing and like you’ve got it all together. While that can influence people on the surface level it won’t go meaningfully deep. I think it can actually do some harm too. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, but I’m telling the truth when I say I think our blog/instagram/facebook/twitter culture can bring out the not-so-healthy aspects of self. Pride, comparison, competition, vanity, self-promotion, and self-centeredness. As if we need help amplifying these at all!
Its not that these media outlets are bad, I’m not a hater.
I’m just saying I know they effect people like they effect me sometimes. So all I’m getting at is that when you come to my blog you are going to get the real me. Real life. Behind the scenes.