Welcome back. This is part two of my labor story, click here to catch up and read part 1.
So here we are, living in this holding pattern of timing contractions . . . watching them float away. Hearing promising news from the professionals . . . watching the days drift into nights. Seeing literal physical signs of the beginnings of labor almost day after day. Over and over having something that seemed to point to progress, but disappointment always following.
This was a really challenging time for me emotionally. If any of you have been there you know what I mean. The waiting seems like its going to last forever! But during these 12 days, there were two incredibly significant and personal moments I had with God as I was sitting at my kitchen table before anyone else was awake. Two things that I truly believe God communicated to me. I didn’t hear his audible voice, but he pressed these phrases clearly on my heart.
Stop pulling on my hand. One morning not long after my parents arrived I was sitting at my table journaling and praying, trying desperately to keep my heart connected to Jesus and putting truth in my heart to keep my perspective right. I felt very clearly that God whispered to me, “stop pulling on my hand. walk with me.” In that one moment I began to cry because he exposed the fear that was winning in my heart. I was afraid that every day my baby was growing bigger, and I was trying to control the process to begin labor because I wanted to. I thought it had to be this way. I had to make it happen because it was scary to completely trust God with his timing. But he gently called me to a new level of trust and asked me to simply walk with him. It melted me. I knew it was exactly what I needed.
Let me write it. Another one of those moments, about 4 days later, I was journaling again and praying, and I was asking God to give me a story to tell through this. Give me a glimpse into your heart and ways, God. Give me a story that will show everyone why this happened the way it did. And I sensed him gently press on my heart this phrase . . . then let me write it. He was reminding me that it didn’t matter what anyone was telling me. What all the professionals predicted, or even what evidence I had already accumulated for the labor process to be starting. His way is perfect, and it was His story to write. I was still scared, and definitely had a moment by moment struggle over that two weeks to surrender control and let my heart trust God completely. I failed at times and had plenty of tears and doubts and discouragement, but each time I could return to his promises and remind myself to stop pulling on His hand and let him write the story. Every time I was faithful to do that, peace flooded my heart and washed away the fear.
There were a few Scriptures that I held onto with white knuckles during this time. One was Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” I would remember this Scripture sometimes hourly to keep my mind steadfast, because this truly was the only place I had real peace. And friends I can tell you I really did. Although it was extremely temping to doubt and fear, I’ll say it again . . . when I would remember to keep my mind steadfast and trust God through it, there was truly a peace that passed all understanding. What a gift.
As I’m writing this I’m going back through my journal. I was clinging to God’s word to get me through. I was just writing Scriptures down word for word many days because I knew that’s what I needed to keep my mind steadfast. Here are a few more I recorded and held onto tightly. . .
So how did it all end up? Oh my friend let me tell you how amazing it was. It blew me away and I would have never believed it if someone had told me how it would all go down. Actually I didn’t mention this but I was offered an ultrasound at 36 and 38 weeks to check the baby and try to estimate the size. I’ll just say I’m so glad I declined. Stick with me for part 3 coming tomorrow!